Pain, in its persistence, will follow us in our lives. While the human heart searches for a blunt to its suffering, every alluring vial of relief will fail to soothe that ever scorching, searing scar. With reckless abandon, I’ve searched the ends of the earth and the depths of other beings for a softness, a home. My inner being has twisted in torment, screaming for release, in an endless search. I’ve tossed and turned questions of meaning in what has felt like an onslaught of meaningless loss. Without resolve, I found myself on a path of empty promise. In one final act of self-destruction, the grip of God’s hands seized me from my path of destruction. Although saved from acts that further speared my hurting heart, my sorrow remained with a depth that drowned me. Hopeless and shattered, I sought Him who I had ignored. In Kari Jobe’s song, The Garden, she writes “I had all but given up, desperate for a sign from love, something good, something kind, bringing peace to every corner of my mind. Then I saw the garden, hope had come to me to sweep away the ashes and wake me from my sleep.”
Kari Jobe so beautifully articulates how it feels to be touched by the radiant, soft light of Jesus as one searches for Him amidst a dark time. She articulated not only what it is to be moved by His kindness, but the relief that comes from being saved from a consuming hopelessness. Desperate for a touch from heaven, I searched the Lord and found how gracious, merciful, faithful, and compassionate He is. The Lord is one who renews and restores, brings life from death. As His people, we are convicted to shed our old ways of living and instead be peaceful, compassionate, humble, kind, gentle, gracious, thankful, faithful, hopeful, strong, and above all else – loving. 1 Peter 4:8 states, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” With a newfound hope and purpose, the losses that once felt so devastating are made okay. The song of my heart has changed from one of sorrow to one of hope and it sounds like this part in Hosanna by Hillsong UNITED:
“Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause as I walk from earth into eternity. Hosanna, Hosanna.”
My prayer now, for anyone who feels as I once did, is as Numbers 6:24-26 states: “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”
I used to ask myself if my pain preceded who I am. I now know my answer. Pain does not have to precede who I am, but love can.
♡
The Ophelia Edit 