Recently I’ve been thinking about the resilient and persevering nature of the human spirit. Honestly, I carry a great sense of pride in the strength I’ve had in enduring what I have. In Good Morning, Monster: A Therapist Shares Four Heroic Stories of Emotional Recovery, Catherine Gildiner shares the stories of her patients overcoming significant trauma. Reading this book really changed my perspective. Instead of berating myself for not “saving myself” or “fixing myself” sooner, I began to hold compassion for myself and pride in how I adapted to survive at such a young age. If anything, I’m shocked I made it out how I have in the circumstances I experienced. Now, when I experience moments of genuine wellness, I think back to 19 year old Anna living in an apartment for the first time, without a clue what was wrong with her. Now, nearly five years later, I have such a better understanding of the context for why I felt the way I did. Through painful lessons throughout college, I slowly began to heal. Where I once held shame for various ways I tried to understand myself during that time, I now hold admiration for my bravery. I have tried SO hard in these years to be well, successful, and happy, yet it seemed my efforts were to no avail. On days where I have moments of passion, hope, excitement, I know my efforts weren’t for nothing. To have moments where I no longer feel like I am profoundly suffering brings my heart a happiness I’ve been waiting for for a very long time. This morning I heard the lyrics, “No one’s ever gonna give you a trophy for all the pain and the things you’ve been through. No one knows but you,” in Weyes Blood’s Mirror Forever. After hearing those lyrics, I decided I don’t need to be a martyr in my own life. I can allow myself to experience profound joy and love, despite the pain and suffering I’ve endured. No longer am I the girl who sits confused, disconnected, and empty. I have found connection, love, and purpose. I have found myself. It took a lot of trial and error, like a lot, but I made it. I know my journey isn’t over yet, but I’m so, SO proud of how far I’ve come. ❤ to many more days of seeking the light & beauty in the world xx
The Ophelia Edit 